Past, Present & Future

I was at my rock bottom for the summer. Where was I supposed to go from here? I didn't even know how I had gotten here in the first place. How was I supposed to teach kids about Christ while I was going through so much questioning, bitterness, and doubt?

When you have this many questions and don't know where to go, you head to the front office and walk into Terry Bley's office. He'll know.

Conversations with Terry are usually never easy. He aces in discernment and reading people's minds. I'm only partially kidding. But the toughest part about talking with Terry is the challenge of truly listening to what he says in return. In just one hour, he can make the past 20 years of your life become more clear. He can give a challenge that may seem to take a lifetime. And in regards to all of our conversations, he can also make you cry.

This particular meeting was unlike any we'd ever had. He managed to bring up the most obvious parts of my past and relate them to the present struggles I was dealing with and future obstacles I may run into. Comparing my relationship with my father to my relationship with my Father. Or wearing a helmet of shame versus a helmet of salvation. Together we read Ephesians 6:10-18.

"...Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God."
-Ephesians 6:17

Tears stream down my face as I realize the challenge that I am presented with. Break bondage. Repair relationships. Replace helmets. Forgive. Some things are so much easier said than done.

Letdown

Going into last summer, I thought I was going to have alot of awesome relationships with the SOAR groups, everyone would be a family and I would be more on fire for God than ever before. As week three comes to an end, this is not the case.

It's no surprise that our SOAR class had some slight conflict. It happens. But I am presently surprised on how much I allowed that simple conflict to mess up my summer. An opportunity like SOAR only comes once. Focusing on the little things that bothered me made it difficult to focus on God and what He had for me.

Straight from my journal on June 7th, 2010:

I can honestly say that I feel extremely distant from God right now. It's like there's a huge disconnect with my head and my heart. I've heard a lot about Him. I've become more knowledgable about who He is. But none of it hits me. None of it even changes my state of thought right now. I don't know how to get that connection back or even if I ever had one. I'm filled with so much doubt right now and I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm talking to a wall right now because it doesn't respond back, or at least I don't hear it.

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief.
My years shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength.
I am wasting away from within.
-Psalm 31:9-10

A song played in Connection the day before. It has become my new prayer.

Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life.
To know and follow hard after You.

To know and follow hard after You.
To grow as Your disciple in the truth.
This world is empty, pale and poor,
Compared to knowing You my Lord.
Lead me on and I will run after You.
Lead me on and I will run after You.

I am here....I am listening....Speak to me....

A Tough Question

If you were to ask any current or former SOAR intern what their first few days working in the office look like, they would probably roll their eyes and say "Meetings." My experience was no different. Meetings right and left. Meetings for keys. Meetings for paperwork. Meetings with pastors. Meetings with all staff. And finally, our first meeting as Student Ministries interns with Derry.

Kieffer, Jess, Tiffany, Dustin and myself sit around a table, eager to get the summer programming started. But before we begin, Derry asks each of us what we were most excited about and most nervous about going into the summer. I give it some thought and realize I've got a similar answer for both questions.

...To be completely honest, I'm excited about building strong relationships with Junior High girls and teaching them about Jesus. But at the same time, I'm scared to build such strong relationships with Junior High girls that they start coming to me as their Jesus...

There is a huge level of responsibility hanging on instructors, teachers, pastors and leaders of any kind. Realizing that students would be looking to me for the answers is one thing. But realizing the true importance of my role and every word that comes out of my mouth being taken as truth is another. What if I mess up a story and it skews their view on Christ forever?! Ok, so I wasn't panicking quite that much. But it is difficult becoming so close to students that they begin going to the source that has immediate answers and is visible and tangible before they ever start seeking God. It's one of the biggest fears that I have working with students. If somewhere down the road, I make it unclear as to who holds the answers, students could start looking to me instead of looking to God.

I will disappoint. I will let down. I will be wrong. The Father never will.

A Long Road Ahead

As I read my journal from June 1st, 2010, I was reminded quickly of why my feelings toward my summer were so sour. It was at this point, only two weeks into our internship, that reality set in. And unfortunately with that reality, I was already counting down until the summer was over.

You see, this was a summer of firsts.

First time having a scheduled daily TAWG for an hour everyday.
First time having the title of 'intern.'
First time teaching on a Wednesday night.
First time sharing my testimony with a large group.
First time living away from home.
And lastly, first time having roommates.

While there are others to add to this list, it was these 'firsts' that truly challenged me and helped me grow over the summer. The most challenging and frustrating, yet exciting and refreshing, was the fact that I was now living in a house, without my mom, and with five other girls. What could be so terrible about that? Well, while I won't go into details about the, now, petty issues of the house, I can say that putting six girls with six very different and strong personalities under one roof is going to be...eventful to say the least!

With my frustrations in the midst of my TAWGs, my struggles with wondering why I was even here, and just my negative attitude in general on how the summer was not going the way I expected, this did not help when things got rough at home. There was so much anger in my heart and the enemy was loving it. I didn't want to be the bitter person. I didn't want to be the one to stereotype or judge or gossip or cause problems. I didn't want to be that person. So I prayed and prayed... and the summer continued. Only 10 weeks to go.

Permanently Imprinted on My Mind

There are some moments in life that make a permanent mark in your mind. More often than not, these moments cause a stir in your heart. An unexpected moment that brings up multiple memories and feelings all at once. A moment that combines your past with the future and leaves you in the present with hope and excitement.

One year ago, I had a moment like this...

While the stress and frustrations in office and at home began to build, a night away from it all was just what I needed. David and Theresa invited Karli and I over for the evening to play with the kids and just relax. We had some laughs, played some games, and had a bonfire. But there was one thing that sticks in my mind the most from that night...a childhood so different than the one I had.

Bed time has come. Each child jumps into bed about as hyper as they were when we arrived. "I love you, Daddy. I love you, Mommy," they each say in their own way. Then they gather around Daddy to read some interactive Bible stories. They do some motions. They repeat the words. They learn about the God that is a million times bigger than they are and can make all things good. After stories, Daddy prays with each child. They thank God for everything in their life and end with an Amen. Mommy and Daddy tuck them in and give each child hugs and kisses. The door closes.

While this simple routine may happen with a number of families across the globe, it is one that I never experienced in my childhood. I had to leave the room with tears in my eyes at the life that I could have once had. How could my life have been different? How could my family have been today? The picture of a true faith-based family working towards a Christ-centered home makes my heart sore. While tears of sadness at a childhood that was lost fill my eyes, they are followed by tears of joy and hope at the excitement of passing on such values and routines onto my future generations.

Trust

One year ago, in the midst of our Communication Workshop, I wrote this:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him.
And He will make your paths straight."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

I have an issue with trust. I don't need a personality test to tell me that. Because of broken friendships and relationships from the past, it's very hard to open up to anyone, even God. He knows everything I've ever done or will ever do. He knows all of the thoughts that have ever or will ever go through my head. Yet, I still have trouble opening up to Him. My fear of getting hurt has gotten in the way of a true and authentic relationship with Christ.

We're told to trust Him with all our hearts. But what if I don't have all of my heart left to give Him? I've given large portions of my heart over to relationships in the past, so I don't feel like I've got much left to give Him. What then?

In all my ways acknowledge him? Really? that's a lot of times in the day. When I wake up, give Him praise. when I shower, praise Him how fortunate I am to have one. When I brush my teeth or do my hair or get dressed, give glory to God in the highest for allowing me to live such a life! Praise God for food on my table, for having legs to walk, hands to hold open doors, eyes to see where I'm going, freedom to be praising Him in all my ways!

I cannot lean on my own understanding. God is a mystery. I get to know Him better when I read His Word, but I often struggle with trying to understand who He is. Nobody knows, at least nobody understands, who God is and why He's that way. Like a rubix cube, God is nearly impossible to put together. Nearly impossible to figure out. Just like shattered glass, we'll never understand how He's put together. The Word helps us, but doesn't free us from our curiosity of the One who Saves, Lives, and Loves.

My Deepest Prayer

Going into the summer, I was most looking forward to hearing God's voice and truly feeling His Holy Spirit move within my heart. It's been nearly two weeks and I am already becoming impatient. Taken directly from my journal:

"My constant prayer lately has been that God would speak to me, that I would hear His voice and follow His direction. There's only one problem I keep running into. I can't hear God. I continually try to sit in silence and listen, but I hear nothing. The same thing happened at the lake last week. I cried out to God but couldn't hear anything back. It makes me feel frustrated. And oftentimes, I end up getting into a mindset that I'm not really silencing everything around me. Or maybe I don't have a relationship with God. How can I tell others, junior highers especially, to listen if I can't even hear anything?"

This begins a rough journey for my summer. Finding the difference between hearing God's audible voice and listening to the whispers and the things around me. I came into SOAR with so much anticipation and longing to be completely on fire for God, like those around me that seemed to just 'get it,' but I was feeling defeated. I was feeling let down. I was feeling like I had let myself down. SOAR was a mistake. If I couldn't hear God in an internship like this, maybe I shouldn't be here.

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

The retreat has been over for two days now and the summer has officially begun.

While I excited for the future that God has planned for me, I know that Satan is hard at work to distract me. Only two days later, I get word from home that my Aunt Linda has passed away from a heart attack. My mom continues talking on the phone, but my eyes flood with tears. The tears disappear quickly and I feel nothing. As if my body is completely numb to her passing. Deep in my heart, I know I will never see her again. But why does that not hurt me? What's wrong with me? She's been out of my life for so long that it just doesn't connect that the time apart would now last forever.

I know I am called to be a light to my family. But it's things like this that seem to raise a wall on what change I could possibly do. I think of my Grandma who has just lost her daughter. I weep at the thought of losing her most of all. She is the glue, the prayer warrior, the most Godly woman I've ever known in my entire life.

The Effect speaks to me.

"The only reason there's darkness is because there is an absence of light."

Maybe the future of our family is where God will use me. I can only be obedient to Him to find out how my light will shine.

Back Home We Go

It's the final day of the first retreat and we are set to go home and officially begin the summer as a family that has grown more than any of us anticipated. But first, we start the day off with TAWG and a last community circle.

"My whole life is yours
I give it all
surrendered to your name.
And forever I will pray
Have your way
Have your way in me."

As we begin to look ahead, I get the feeling that I'm not as connected with God as I think. I pray for Him to speak clearly to me. I pray to hear His voice. I pray that I may be obedient to whatever He has for my life. I pray that He will guide and direct my paths and close all other doors that are not within His will. And I pray that I can truly believe all these things in my whole mind, body and soul.

We share our goals for the future.

• Increase my passion for Christ.
• Experience the peace of the Holy Spirit in my heart.
• Be open to trust people and God more in my life.
• Get to know His Word better.
• Hear the voice of the Living God.

The retreat comes to a close and as we gather things from our rooms, I remember the verse painted on the wall near my bed.

"As a deer thirsts for water, so my soul thirsts for you oh God."

I want to be where you are
I want to know, Lord, who you are
So when you call my name
I'll say to you "here I am."
I'm listening, Lord, speak to me.

I want to see how you see
Change my heart, Lord, make me Holy
If there's anything in my life
That doesn't honor you tonight
I'm listening, Lord, speak to me.
Speak to me.

The final song played in our community circle is the prayer and cry of my heart for the summer. I know that God has some great things planned for my time here and I want to grow evermore passionately for Him. I desire a burning fire in my heart for the Lord and know that He will be with me through all things. And so, I return to my summer home with my new family. Let the real summer begin...

A Wednesday I'll Always Remember

I can still see it. The sun slowly sneaks beyond the horizon. Shades of reds, oranges and yellows are painted across the sky. We run from the van to catch a glimpse of the most beautiful sunset I had seen since Summer Camp. We capture the moment as we snap our cameras. Our first official group photo.


We stand in awe at the beautiful creation God has given us. His Holy Spirit is stirring around us and it becomes clear that something is about to happen. I don't know what. I'm lost in the sunset.

Karli and Jess begin playing on their guitars. I sing, but it's not worship. I know, but I do not feel. Something is holding me back. I feel it coming. The tears that have soaked my sleeve each night. I can't sing. My body won't allow me to. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. So I sit there and weep.

It still rings in my ears.

"Take me as you find me. All my fears and failures. Fill my life again."


I can't sing it. I am not worthy to sing those words. I am not ready to sing those words. My heart is heavy and my breaths become short. What is happening to me? I've never felt like this before. Completely broken.


Terry guides us to the shoreline. Some people shared what God was doing in their hearts. I still cried. I didn't know what was going on. I felt hurt. I still had a past and was being reminded of it. I was not at peace. I hear bits and pieces of the others words.

Terry speaks. "Water...cleansing...past...sin....New creation..."

That's all I remember. I continued to cry, still unsure of what was going on in and around me. We gather close and people begin praying for me. I hear words but they only make me weep more. I'm confused. I try to relax. It's not working. I'm still not ready.

Just then, a simple pray from Terry, "God has a better picture for me to see."

In that moment, a strange weight is lifted. I can breath. My tears are fewer. And I am finally present.


Another emotional day. Another God moment. He is greatly to be praised and Mighty to Save. (Random note: I could not sing this song until the final day of SOAR and it has still been difficult to sing ever since.)

God Sees Value in Me and I am Valuable

After sharing my story the night before, my mind is filled with doubts and fears on what the day ahead will bring. Sharing our most embarrassing stories during breakfast helps, but only a little. I'm left sitting at a table by the lake trying to sort out the facts and lies in my head.

I pray.

"Lord, give me a peace of mind and of hear for whatever challenges I face today. Allow me to be open and honest and most of all, without fear. I pray against Satan's lies and tauntings of past event and things I've done. Lord, be with me today. Surround me with your Holy Spirit. Fill me with Your love and grace. In Your Son's name, Amen"

My 30-day TAWG journey leads me to reading Psalm 32.

"Oh, what JOY for those
whose disobedience is FORGIVEN,
whose sin is put OUT OF SIGHT!
Yes, what JOY for those
whose record the Lord has CLEARED OF GUILT,
whose lives are lived in complete HONESTY!

When I refused to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of DISCIPLINE was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally, I CONFESSED all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'
And you FORGAVE ME! All my guilt is GONE..."

God is FORGIVING.

It got even better when I came across 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 soon after.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG."

God sees VALUE in me and I am VALUABLE.

God knows exactly what He is doing. I'm usually so stuck in my ways or doing things on my own, that I rarely trust His timing or His plan at all. It's amazing that even in the midst of such a major step in my life, He was in the center of it all and had greater things planned for me. Telling my story may not have been easy, but trusting in God gave my strength and hope for the future.


Little did I know how much I was holding back...

May 18, 2010 Part 2

We gather in a circle. Eight fellow interns. Five leaders. All staring at the, now lit, candle that lies before us. The singing bowl begins. And the time has come for us to reflect on 'Where we're from.' Time is given for us to think about and reflect upon our past. The people, places, senses, saying, and memories that have shaped us. I've dreaded this since before the internship began. What do I share? What do I keep to myself? How much do I really trust these people that I just met two days ago? How much will others say? What will they think about what I share? What will Terry say? Or Derry? Or the other pastors who have working with me for the past year? They don't know. Maybe I should keep it that way. My heart beats faster and I know that I'll be taking the biggest leap of faith if I'm able to share. I know that my biggest fear of the summer will be tested. I don't know its result, but I know I must be honest in sharing "Where I'm From."

Community Circle Rules:

• Choose for yourself when/how to verbalize
• Invitation/not invasion
• Embrace difference
• Listen with an open mind
• Speak only for yourself
• Make space for silence
• No fixing
• Be open to learning
• Look with soft eyes
• Observe confidentiality

While it was a big step to share with 13 other people the childhood I lived, the beliefs we had, the mistakes I've made, and the victory that was won, I feel that it's much too difficult to retype my poem of my past. Those who have heard it, remember it, feel it, weep and celebrate from it.

It's done. I have overcome my fear. Tears stream down my cheek. I feel a sense of relief. But that feeling is quickly overcome with doubts and fears on what I have just done. In the midst of a quiet room, the enemy whispers. I won't believe his lies. My story is told. And I am reassured later that not only am I not a mistake, but it is not a mistake that I am here. Nobody is judging me and everybody is listening with an open heart and is expectant for the journey that lies ahead.

May 18, 2010 Part 1

Day 2 of the retreat comes in two parts because, well, otherwise it would be an insanely long post.

Terry asked us today to think of things we've packed and things we need to unpack while here at this experience. Things that I had packed included willingness, openness, a "trust-me attitude" and obedience. Yet there were also things I needed to unpack. My fear. My doubts. My insecurities. My expectations.

A long day lies ahead. Filled with some physical pain, emotional breakdowns, and leadership struggles.

"Wear active clothes" is our only direction for what the day was to bring. We arrive at a retreat center where there is a leader waiting to guide us through numerous team-building activities.

1. Group blind-folded tour- Nine interns in a single line holding a single rope with one hand. They choose a person to lead the group. It's me. As I'm being guided by the director, I'm also leading the eight people behind me. I duck. I walk over things. I go from side to side. We fall. We get back up. I try to pull my group along, but have to remember that as a leader, I can't get too ahead of the pack.


2. Lava/Carpet Square Test- A difficult feat for each of us. Having to rely on a teammate that you barely know is not ideal. Having patience when someone on your team is struggling is also something that was a challenge. Overall message was to allow others to grow into their leadership roles without taking charge.

3. The Wall of Webs- Being mute was tough since I had already experienced the task. But relying/trusting in my team was much more important.

4. Partner blind-fold test- This was probably my least favorite. My low trust level had me being overly cautious of what was around me. It didn't help that certain pastors were using a stick to tease with my mind and get me distracted. Putting my full trust in Karli was not easy, especially after falling down during the group tour.

5. High Ropes Course/Zip-line/Tree Climbing- Communication, especially to someone who's blindfolded, is extremely difficult. When giving direction, I need to be exact, just as I would want it. Experiencing the high ropes & zip line was rather exhausting, yet exhilarating. I was excited when I accomplished each one, which was much easier when being cheered on/encouraged. For the tree climbing, I wanted to give up so badly. My arms hurt. I couldn't feel my legs. But I didn't was to fail and be the only one to not ring the bell.



A long and exhausting 6 hours of team-building activities. They frustrated us. Challenged us. Tested our strength, patience, endurance and leadership skills. Showed who we really were at times and how to best work with one another to accomplish a certain task. It brought the group closer than we could've imagined. And with a physically draining day, it was about to get even more tough for some...

And So It Begins...

The first SOAR retreat. The retreat that I was dreading and was completely fearful of. I had a feeling that I would be sharing my story for the first time in front of a group, and I was right.

It began in a small room. We sat in our first "community circle" and stared awkwardly at an unlit candle. Terry begins the time with his singing bowl and we are all of a sudden "present." Nine interns, along with a few pastoral figures (Janette included), sit in silence as the retreat takes its official start.

"We have 12 weeks here. Take it one day at a time," Terry begins.

We are asked to share 3 words on how we are feeling before we share our stories.

Nervous. Afraid. Expecting.

We are then given a large amount of time to design on a poster, our present story. My present is a large question mark. It's completely unknown. I don't even know what I'm doing in an internship that seems built for ministry futures. I'm not going to be a pastor or worship leader, as I see around me. I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm in an internship, because I don't know what else to do. My future in schooling is unknown. My future in a career is undecided. My future small group a mystery. There are expectations for my life from my family. Be great. Be perfect. Stand out.

My story is still being written, but is a marked with one symbol. A question mark.

Three words after sharing my present story:

Hopeful. Anxious. Optimistic.


There are three days left of this SOAR retreat and already I am feeling pushed and challenged. I don't think about my present. I had been too stuck on my past. I'll break soon. But for now, I keep it all in.


We head back to our cabins with the rotten egg smell. I kill a spider on my bed. Karli makes a joke that cannot be typed, but makes myself, herself, and Jess laugh all summer. I smile thinking about it now. Ahh... off to bed as the first day of the retreat and second day of the internship come to a close.

May 17th, 2010

Taken straight from my journal...

"Day #1 of the workday. 8 a.m. TAWG is our beginning. My biggest fear right now is that I won't know how to meet with God. How to hear His voice. Where to begin. What to say to Him. This is already a new experience. I'm here expecting God to arrive. My heart is open for whatever He has planned for my life. Not my will, but His will be done!

'Accomplishing great things demands a lot from us, and knowing the God of all Creation is no different.' -Louie Giglio from our book '30 Day Journey'

Every year at camps, we always have some kind of station to write out who God is and what characteristics He possesses. On day one of The Journey, here are a few words that stick out to me about who God is... Father, Protector, Restorer, Listening, Forgiving, Close, Shelter, Provider, Enough, EVERYTHING.

Psalm 33:7 says 'He gathers the waters of the sea into jars.'

WOW! How amazing that we can praise a God that HUGE! How amazing that a God that HUGE would care for, provide for and LOVE me! Simply amazing!"


While the first official workday comes to a close and the first SOAR retreat begins, I am already faced with difficult things. It's not normal for me to spend an entire hour with God. It's not normal for me to pray in front of a group of people that I just met the day before, let alone pray in front of people at all. It's not normal or easy for me to let go of responsibilities and trust another person to do them well.

These things already occur by the second day of the internship. A long and tough journey awaits, yet eye-opening and growing comes with it.

One Year Ago...

I can't believe it's been an entire year already! One year ago today, I began a 12-week journey through an internship that would challenge me, frustrate me, break me, capture me, and completely change parts of my life.

It was also a year ago that I started a journey with some pretty amazing people, one of those being my best friend, Karli! It's amazing how much our friendship has grown since last summer. And I couldn't be more grateful for it!

In my life, looking back has been pretty common. And in the midst of looking back, I am sometimes filled with pain. But I have also been challenged as I look at the past to see how much, if any, I have grown. I think the next 12-weeks will be interesting as I reflect on my SOAR experience and take the few of you that read this, along for the journey.

One year ago [yesterday], I meet the five girls that I will live with for the summer. I'm filled with excitement, as this is the first time I have ever had roommates. The first time that I have lived "away" from home. The first time that I can put into practice the independence that my mother taught me. I'm excited.

First person I meet is Deandra! I give her a huge hug in my excitement and we are the first to officially move into the SOAR house! Next, I meet my amazingly awesome roommate, Jessica! It's a good thing I had her, because I didn't have anything to "girlify" our room! (Thanks Jess!) After unpacking my things, I made my way to the church, where I was helping some Effecters prepare something. Then, the girl from New Jersey arrives! "Anna!!" I yelled. She probably thought I was completely crazy. Me and my Facebook stalking beforehand. It's ok, we all admitted that we did some of that. After helping Anna unload and giving her a grand tour of NMC, Tiffany moved her things in. Then we try to make ourselves at "home" while waiting for Karli to arrive. It's overwhelming already, but exhilarating! We get a text from Terry, one of our future hundred or so, giving us information about the next day-Sunday.

One year ago today, we experience our first Sunday morning together. We meet the SOAR boys in the Worship Center. First Matthew, then Kieffer. I already knew Dustin, but I still say hi obviously. For some strange reason, we are sitting in the front row and already, people know who we are. I can still remember Ruth Mast coming up to each of us introducing herself and telling us how excited she is to have us over for lunch this summer. She was, and still probably is, the happiest person I know. More on her later.

The Sunday is a whirlwind for most of the interns. For me, it's a time of guiding, introducing, and showing the interns the church and ministries going on. After church, we head to La Fogata with some pastors and their families. Although I had been working at NMC for over a year at that point, this was still pretty new for me.

First day down, many more to go. First blog down, hopefully I'll keep up with this one! It's amazing that I remember all these things still.

Goodbye's the Saddest Word

In my 22 years of life, I've never had to say goodbye to a close friend for a long period of time. That streak ended today. And even as I begin writing these words, I am trying to hold back the tears that I told myself I wouldn't let fall. But the truth is, when somebody so important and meaningful in your life leaves, you wouldn't be normal to not allow it to affect you. So, here I am, on day one of many, confused in a sea of emotions. Mourning. Excited. Discouraged. Encouraged. Sad. Optimistic. I can't understand any of it. All I know is that at this current moment, I already miss my teammate, friend, mentor, Disney lover, and fellow prankster, Kristy Mikel, like crazy.

I can't even begin to recall all the memories, the laughs, the traditions, the pranks, everything that we've had in the past three years. Disney Thursdays. Chicken bacon ranch subs from Subway. Blended chais. Raspberry teas. Cheesy potato soup. Cheesy chicken croissant. Lunches at the park. Adventures in the attic. Random movie nights. Post office runs. Wicked. Minute to Win It Thursdays. Donkey Basketball games. Caramel Mocha Frappuccinos. Try Something New Wednesdays. Birthday celebrations. Pranks on Dave. Pranks on Chris. Pranks on Coke. Pranks in general. Vent sessions. Walks around the church. Running into doors. Running into walls. New releases of Disney movies. Encouragement cards. And so many more.

These things will either pause for a year, or continue with a different person and feeling. But in the end, I am excited for her. Listening to the call God gave her. Being obedient in every aspect of that call. Taking a leap of faith and leaving everything for a year in Kenya. Investing in God's women and children in Africa. Being a light in dark places. Using her story to touch and collide with the stories of the Kenyan people. Blessing a generation with the love of Christ.

It's a journey beyond comprehension. But I can think of no other person more qualified for it. Twist, I love you and miss you and will be praying for you always.

A Special Day

Easter Sunday.

Beautiful for many reasons.

The resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

My best friend, Karli, getting baptized.

My mom attending church with me.

Me praying in front of my family for the first time.


Best Easter Sunday to date. And for the first year, I didn't even get any chocolate. And I am ok with that.

Unworthy of Such Love

Flogged.
Beaten.
Whipped.
Spit on.
Crown of thorns.
Betrayed.
Mocked.
Slapped.
Bruised.
Crucified.
Stabbed.

This is what I deserve.
MY sins.

Yet, Jesus Christ took it all for me.
He allowed Himself to carry this burden.
To accept this punishment for me and hundreds and thousands more.
Undeserving.

His love for me is indescribable.
And the feelings I have right now cannot possibly come out in words.
So undeserving, yet completely and utterly grateful for His love.

Believe

Yesterday I had the great opportunity to check out Believe. It's a junior high conference that is a pretty big deal. Now, for most people, this would be the last place you would find them! Stay away from the hormones. The craziness. The dancing. The noise. All of the things that junior highers are most known for.

For others of us, this is where we live. This is the environment that makes us comfortable with being ourselves. Kinda crazy that hanging out with insecure middle schoolers can actually defeat the insecurities you yourself may have. Regardless, one of the main reasons that I love working with junior high, is the fact that I can look completely ridiculous, totally lame, insanely awkward, and strangely hyper...and I fit in perfectly. They are the best. The greatest part about all of it though, aside from being able to be super crazy all the time, is being able to be an influence in their lives and being a tiny part of their God stories. It's a great feeling knowing that you matter, yet it's an even better feeling knowing that you've made God matter to them. I love it!

Even though we didn't take students to this (this year), I thought I'd show you how amazing these junior highers and this conference was. Oh, and did I mention that it was 2,200 junior highers all in the same location!? All praising the same God!? Yeah, that is awesome!

Afterlife

As if there isn't enough stuff on my plate with end of semester projects, presentations, and papers to do, I also get the lovely privilege of giving the devotional in the Effect next week. Now, normally, I'm not too bothered with public speaking. That is, I managed to ace it in high school and college and seem to do fine in any other presentation at school. However, being that I'm at a public school, these things have never dealt with Christ or truth or holiness or anything that could ever be spoken in a message or sermon. The only time I have ever spoken at the Effect, which consumed all of my nerves for the weeks leading up to it, was when I was asked to share my story. That was hard enough having to open up in front of peers. But for some reason, I'm really struggling with the idea of having to lead a devotional for those same peers. It seems easier to share about my personal life than to share on the subject of Heaven and Hell. Yeah, that's right, the subject of afterlife got passed on to me.

Up until the past few months, I never really researched or read about Heaven or Hell. I've just kinda always believed what I was taught in Youth Group, Small Groups, and Sunday Sermons. Now that I'm having to speak on the subject, I'm finding myself lost at what I even believe or what I even know!

If Jesus descended from Heaven tomorrow, where do I see myself going after judgment?
Does my destination after I die affect how I am currently living?
God is forgiving and just, but do I truly understand those words and their meanings?
Why should constant worshiping be appealing to us?
Is there a Hell? (no, I don't intend to bring Rob Bell in on this)

Still processing, clearly. Still questioning. Still seeking.

Praying for guidance and the words to speak.

Do Hard Things

I recently went on a retreat with 6th-8th grade student leaders who desired to take their relationship with Christ to a whole new level. The retreat was primarily discipleship training and learning to, you guessed it, Do Hard Things. Throughout this weekend, students learned how to put aside distractions, practice listening prayer, and step out of their comfort zones in multiple areas of their lives. They took a walk around the Keller Park community to pray over the families and houses that they passed. They visited the Center for the Homeless and were given the opportunity to hear stories of some residents there over lunch. And most importantly, they were challenged on how to Do Hard Things outside of the retreat. In their homes. In their schools. In their relationships. In their TAWG. In many different aspects of their lives.

While this was a retreat for middle school students, I found myself leaving the weekend just as challenged. You see, I've got a pretty easy life. I've got roof over my head and food to eat. I've got a family that loves me and supports me and encourages me. I've got a pretty great job that allows me to do what I love with the people I love. I'm going to college for an education that nobody else in my family has gotten before. And I'm able to live in a community that is free to worship and praise and follow the Lord. What more could I need? What more could I want?

I look at that list and I feel content. Yet after feeling content, I immediately find myself feeling sick to my stomach for taking it all for granted. This weekend not only showed me how fortunate I am and how good I have it. But the weekend kicked my butt in the fact of being completely apathetic for those who don't have this life. When did my heart become so cold? When did I lose my ability to emphasize with those in need? When did I, myself, decide that Doing Hard Things did not apply to me?

Working in a church half of the week and volunteering in the church for the other half of the week can make a person numb to everything that's going on around them. I find myself trying to be a good leader encouraging students to make a difference in the world, yet I disregard the fact that God Himself has that same expectation on me.

1 Peter 4:11
11 If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Random thoughts going through my head right now...
1) Jesus Christ was not embarrassed to serve us by dying on the cross, so why do we get embarrassed to serve Him?
2) "Break my heart for what breaks Yours" - great line from Hosanna - God has shown us in multiply locations in His Word what breaks His heart, what is keeping me from having a broken heart over those same things?
3) What is blinding me from seeing the unseen? The pain and brokenness around me?
4) What is God asking me to do in order for me to step out of my own comfort zone to Do Hard Things?
5) Am I ready for what's to come?
6) Will I say 'yes'

Lucky Number 7

Thanks, Twist, for getting me back on the blog track! I've been meaning to get on here, but this semester is nuts. So, I shall try my best to start blogging again. And, thanks to Kristy Mikel, it begins with the 7 lists of 7.

7 Songs I've been listening to a lot these days:

• Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship
  
• Our God by Chris Tomlin (with violin-it's amazing!)
  
• Be With You Forever by Kristian Stanfill
  
• Day After Day by Kristian Stanfill
• Spirit Fall by Chris Tomlin (Passion 2011)
  
• Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath
  
• Dynamite by Taio Cruz (judge me not)
  

7 Places in the world I've always wanted to visit:

• Disney! - Everyone that knows me knows this fact. My dream is Disney and I will go there someday!
  
• Egypt - I've always wanted to see the pyramids.
• The Caribbean - Not just for the Pirates, but mainly for the warmth, beauty and clearness of water!
  
• The remaining 20 states that I haven't visited- I have a goal to visit all 50 states, and at the age of 22, I'm averaging a little over one a year. Not too shabby.
  
• Greece - My stepmom and her family is from Greece. I've heard amazing stories, seen amazing photographs, and think it'd be an amazing place to go.
  
• Italy- Pasta and beauty, who could ask for more?
  
• North- see the Northern Lights
  

7 Things I've dreamed of doing someday:

• Scuba dive
  
• Get a photograph published in National Geographic
  
• Get married & start a family
• Visit the 50 states
  
• Go on a missions trip
• Make a cake similar to those on the Amazing Cakes shows
• Swim with the dolphins
  

7 Favorite games of all time:

• Yahtzee
• Scrabble
• Scream-o
• Candyland
• Chutes and Ladders
• The Last Word
• What's Yours Like?
  

7 Favorite Verses:

• Proverbs 3:5-6
• Matthew 6:31-34
  
• I John 4:18-20
• Ephesians 4:15-16
• Ephesians 6:11-17
• Mark 9:23
  
• Romans 12: All of it.

7 Books I love to read over and over:

• The Bible
• I am not but I know I AM by Louie Giglio
• Crazy Love by Francis Chan
• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
• Principle of the Path by Andy Stanley
• I don't get much time to read :/
  

7 Books that have deeply challenged me (some repeats):

• The Bible
• I am not but I Know I AM
• Sold
• Bondage Breaker
• Fasting
  
• The Vision
  
• Crazy Love