Letdown

Going into last summer, I thought I was going to have alot of awesome relationships with the SOAR groups, everyone would be a family and I would be more on fire for God than ever before. As week three comes to an end, this is not the case.

It's no surprise that our SOAR class had some slight conflict. It happens. But I am presently surprised on how much I allowed that simple conflict to mess up my summer. An opportunity like SOAR only comes once. Focusing on the little things that bothered me made it difficult to focus on God and what He had for me.

Straight from my journal on June 7th, 2010:

I can honestly say that I feel extremely distant from God right now. It's like there's a huge disconnect with my head and my heart. I've heard a lot about Him. I've become more knowledgable about who He is. But none of it hits me. None of it even changes my state of thought right now. I don't know how to get that connection back or even if I ever had one. I'm filled with so much doubt right now and I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm talking to a wall right now because it doesn't respond back, or at least I don't hear it.

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief.
My years shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength.
I am wasting away from within.
-Psalm 31:9-10

A song played in Connection the day before. It has become my new prayer.

Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life.
To know and follow hard after You.

To know and follow hard after You.
To grow as Your disciple in the truth.
This world is empty, pale and poor,
Compared to knowing You my Lord.
Lead me on and I will run after You.
Lead me on and I will run after You.

I am here....I am listening....Speak to me....