What Am I Getting Myself Into?!

Wow. A challenge. I've got to admit I wasn't totally prepared for it. I mean, I knew it was going to happen sometime, but I had no idea how to answer it.

Last night, during Wednesday night junior high youth group, I was confronted by one of my small group girls. I had always seen her as a very strong girl. Quiet, but very strong. Her health background is one that amazes me and she talks about how lucky she is to even be alive. She uses this as a primary source in reaching out to others and spreading Christ's love. However, last night, as Chris talked about prayer and the intimacy of that time with God, our small groups were encouraged to be open and honest in a letter to our King. While it was a challenging thing for most, if not all of the students, this girl decided she needed immediate guidance. And who do you go to for guidance in the church? A pastor? Eh, you could. It may be a little difficult to get in contact with them. But my role as a small group leader has put me into the position to guide and direct the lives of junior highers.

As the night went on, I saw her face. Sad. Lonely. Lost. I could not imagine what she was going through. This strong little seventh grader looking so weak and defeated. She came up to me at the end of the night and asked me to read her letter to God. Sure enough, sad, lonely, lost, were in that letter somewhere. She proceeded to ask me what she was doing wrong in her walk with God and how she could fix it all. She couldn't hear him anymore. She still believed, or so she thought she did. She was confused and missed being a real close friend and child to her Father. My words were probably not as great as they could've been. I know that the last thing she wanted to hear was the cliche to "just keep praying about it". But I, myself, became lost in her confusion. And I have been wondering ever since if I can live up to this constant challenge. I put myself in this position thinking I could handle it. And I'm sure I can, but wow, that one really stumped me...

Finding Myself...

I'm going to be honest right now. Vulnerable. Open.

I'm scared of many things.
I'm scared of: Spiders. Bees. Most bugs in general. Storms. Driving in the winter. Failing at anything. Being forgiving. Trusting in others. Letting go. Being alone.

I recently figured out a new fear...Losing myself.


I was encouraged by a very close person to me that I was being held down so much by things and people in my past, that it was interfering with my confidence level in myself and who I am. As I thought about the idea of losing myself and my identity, it struck me that it was true. I could not figure out who I was as a person anymore. I had put aside my hobbies, my values, and my whole life because of things that slowly took their place in the past. I took the night and thought of things that I enjoyed doing in the past. I came up with my photography, of course, painting, traveling, and random last minute movie nights with tons of junk food. I continued to ponder over my past life and how great some things were and how not-so-great other things were and then it came to me that I am pretty much a robot these days. The past couple months, I have been stuck in the same routines. The same job. The same classes. The same group of friends (which I love by the way, don't get me wrong). The same life, yet a completely different one than what I used to have.

So, I have concluded that there ARE things holding me from enjoying my life. There ARE things I have to let go and forget about for awhile, maybe forever. There will be much struggling with taking steps to find out who "Megan" really is. I don't know her anymore. I hear she's pretty great. A beautiful person inside and out. A good leader. A hard worker. Worthy of something far greater than comprehension. Yeah...this is what I hear, but cannot understand or believe for some reason. I know the things I need to do. And I will admit that it's definitely not easy for me at all. I'm going to need the few good friends that I have to be there for me. Trust in me. Pray for me. Encourage me. And most importantly, love me....for the real me.

Is it possible? I sure hope so. But I am scared to death for the coming days and what's to happen.


Matthew 6:34- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

What a Wonderfully Awful Day...

Normal morning routine for Tuesdays:
Wake up around 7:30
Take shower
Get ready
Eat small breakfast
Pack up things for school
Out of house by 9
First class begins at 10


Today's routine for Tuesday (so far):
Wake up at 9
Yell at myself for sleeping in
Injured foot--hard to walk now
Take shower
Blow a fuse in the bathroom, causing all outlets to not function
Get ready in Mom's bathroom
Eat lunch
Get stomach ache
Pack things for school
Out of house by 10:30
Second class begins at 11:30

Teen-B-Gone

So, I just realized that in 27 days to be exact, my teenage years will be no more. It's weird that I even thought about it, seeing as how I feel older than a teen regardless. The group of people I normally hang out are much older than I am, so I have felt a part of them in the past year. My age comes up every once in awhile, but I consider myself to be pretty mature for how old I am. I mean, everyone in our group would agree that I am more grown up than some who continue to act 10 years younger than what they actually are. I was thinking about this concept earlier tonight and I actually replied to someone that I was 20 years old when they asked. Yeah....not true...yet. That's just strange. Two decades of life. Well spent or not, they are twenty years that are in the past and I can't get back. Now, to the next years of my life, which I will not completely focus on so I can just enjoy life and live in the moment. Yeah, maybe I should wait until it's actually my birthday before I start "not focusing on the future". Haha. We can see how well that's working out already.....