Letting Go

In my previous post, I mentioned that I am in a new season in life. It's been a difficult season in some areas, but a growing one in others. It's amazing, yet quite unfortunate, how easily it can be to forget who you are or who you once were or even who you wanted to be. Once upon a time, I had dreams and goals and ambitions for my life post high school. But I also had a desire to explore the world that I was just let into and to live in every moment with no regrets.

I made mistakes. Big ones.
Mistakes that will unfortunately be a part of me for the rest of my life.
Mistakes that also started to shape me as I allowed them to.
Mistakes that began to determine who I was and how I would treat people.
Mistakes that would start the building of the thick walls around me.
Mistakes that would take certain amount of joy from my life.
Mistakes that stole my identity in Christ.

Satan has had his say in my life and allowing him to play such a large role in my thoughts and actions has become the biggest mistake I've ever made.

Luckily for me, I'm not the only one who has made mistakes. We are all guilty.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

This Saturday, my two best friends, blessings given to me by God in the past two years, have chosen to join me as we have a "burning party". Now, that may seem a little dangerous and violent, but it's an idea that came to us from a simple episode of a television show. In the show, the town has a "boat-burning celebration". At this event, items from their past, things that have defined them, things that they've had difficulty letting go of, photos of who they once were, are tossed onto a boat in the water. The burning of the boat signifies a releasing and surrender of their former self, and a celebration of a new beginning. We are ready for our new beginning as we gather old photos, letters, and memories that can no longer weigh us down.

We, as three friends, rang in the new year with the goal to let go of our pasts, and become the women that Christ has called us to be.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

I love how Paul uses an exclamation point at the end of that verse, for it is something to celebrate. I am excited for the event on Saturday and couldn't ask for better women to share the moment with. While we let go and experience the freedom from our pasts, we rejoice and look forward to a brighter future no longer defined by our mistakes, but defined by He who is in us!

I'm Back?

I can't guarantee that this will be my start back into the world of blogging, however, it is a start. And usually, that's where things begin. My desire to write in this moment stems from a few different things. One, I am currently enrolled in a class where we are learning about the beginning of blogging and the importance that it can possess. Two, I've got a lot of time on my hands these days and blogging could be a better way to fill that time instead of sitting in front of the tv. Three, along with a lot of time, I also have a lot of things on my mind. This is a new season in life. A difficult one, yet a season nonetheless. And lastly, I may be updating just out of pure boredom.

While this post has no real content, it's merely reassuring you that I'm not dead. Just in case you were wondering.

Past, Present & Future

I was at my rock bottom for the summer. Where was I supposed to go from here? I didn't even know how I had gotten here in the first place. How was I supposed to teach kids about Christ while I was going through so much questioning, bitterness, and doubt?

When you have this many questions and don't know where to go, you head to the front office and walk into Terry Bley's office. He'll know.

Conversations with Terry are usually never easy. He aces in discernment and reading people's minds. I'm only partially kidding. But the toughest part about talking with Terry is the challenge of truly listening to what he says in return. In just one hour, he can make the past 20 years of your life become more clear. He can give a challenge that may seem to take a lifetime. And in regards to all of our conversations, he can also make you cry.

This particular meeting was unlike any we'd ever had. He managed to bring up the most obvious parts of my past and relate them to the present struggles I was dealing with and future obstacles I may run into. Comparing my relationship with my father to my relationship with my Father. Or wearing a helmet of shame versus a helmet of salvation. Together we read Ephesians 6:10-18.

"...Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God."
-Ephesians 6:17

Tears stream down my face as I realize the challenge that I am presented with. Break bondage. Repair relationships. Replace helmets. Forgive. Some things are so much easier said than done.

Letdown

Going into last summer, I thought I was going to have alot of awesome relationships with the SOAR groups, everyone would be a family and I would be more on fire for God than ever before. As week three comes to an end, this is not the case.

It's no surprise that our SOAR class had some slight conflict. It happens. But I am presently surprised on how much I allowed that simple conflict to mess up my summer. An opportunity like SOAR only comes once. Focusing on the little things that bothered me made it difficult to focus on God and what He had for me.

Straight from my journal on June 7th, 2010:

I can honestly say that I feel extremely distant from God right now. It's like there's a huge disconnect with my head and my heart. I've heard a lot about Him. I've become more knowledgable about who He is. But none of it hits me. None of it even changes my state of thought right now. I don't know how to get that connection back or even if I ever had one. I'm filled with so much doubt right now and I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm talking to a wall right now because it doesn't respond back, or at least I don't hear it.

"Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief.
My years shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength.
I am wasting away from within.
-Psalm 31:9-10

A song played in Connection the day before. It has become my new prayer.

Give me one pure and holy passion.
Give me one magnificent obsession.
Give me one glorious ambition for my life.
To know and follow hard after You.

To know and follow hard after You.
To grow as Your disciple in the truth.
This world is empty, pale and poor,
Compared to knowing You my Lord.
Lead me on and I will run after You.
Lead me on and I will run after You.

I am here....I am listening....Speak to me....

A Tough Question

If you were to ask any current or former SOAR intern what their first few days working in the office look like, they would probably roll their eyes and say "Meetings." My experience was no different. Meetings right and left. Meetings for keys. Meetings for paperwork. Meetings with pastors. Meetings with all staff. And finally, our first meeting as Student Ministries interns with Derry.

Kieffer, Jess, Tiffany, Dustin and myself sit around a table, eager to get the summer programming started. But before we begin, Derry asks each of us what we were most excited about and most nervous about going into the summer. I give it some thought and realize I've got a similar answer for both questions.

...To be completely honest, I'm excited about building strong relationships with Junior High girls and teaching them about Jesus. But at the same time, I'm scared to build such strong relationships with Junior High girls that they start coming to me as their Jesus...

There is a huge level of responsibility hanging on instructors, teachers, pastors and leaders of any kind. Realizing that students would be looking to me for the answers is one thing. But realizing the true importance of my role and every word that comes out of my mouth being taken as truth is another. What if I mess up a story and it skews their view on Christ forever?! Ok, so I wasn't panicking quite that much. But it is difficult becoming so close to students that they begin going to the source that has immediate answers and is visible and tangible before they ever start seeking God. It's one of the biggest fears that I have working with students. If somewhere down the road, I make it unclear as to who holds the answers, students could start looking to me instead of looking to God.

I will disappoint. I will let down. I will be wrong. The Father never will.

A Long Road Ahead

As I read my journal from June 1st, 2010, I was reminded quickly of why my feelings toward my summer were so sour. It was at this point, only two weeks into our internship, that reality set in. And unfortunately with that reality, I was already counting down until the summer was over.

You see, this was a summer of firsts.

First time having a scheduled daily TAWG for an hour everyday.
First time having the title of 'intern.'
First time teaching on a Wednesday night.
First time sharing my testimony with a large group.
First time living away from home.
And lastly, first time having roommates.

While there are others to add to this list, it was these 'firsts' that truly challenged me and helped me grow over the summer. The most challenging and frustrating, yet exciting and refreshing, was the fact that I was now living in a house, without my mom, and with five other girls. What could be so terrible about that? Well, while I won't go into details about the, now, petty issues of the house, I can say that putting six girls with six very different and strong personalities under one roof is going to be...eventful to say the least!

With my frustrations in the midst of my TAWGs, my struggles with wondering why I was even here, and just my negative attitude in general on how the summer was not going the way I expected, this did not help when things got rough at home. There was so much anger in my heart and the enemy was loving it. I didn't want to be the bitter person. I didn't want to be the one to stereotype or judge or gossip or cause problems. I didn't want to be that person. So I prayed and prayed... and the summer continued. Only 10 weeks to go.

Permanently Imprinted on My Mind

There are some moments in life that make a permanent mark in your mind. More often than not, these moments cause a stir in your heart. An unexpected moment that brings up multiple memories and feelings all at once. A moment that combines your past with the future and leaves you in the present with hope and excitement.

One year ago, I had a moment like this...

While the stress and frustrations in office and at home began to build, a night away from it all was just what I needed. David and Theresa invited Karli and I over for the evening to play with the kids and just relax. We had some laughs, played some games, and had a bonfire. But there was one thing that sticks in my mind the most from that night...a childhood so different than the one I had.

Bed time has come. Each child jumps into bed about as hyper as they were when we arrived. "I love you, Daddy. I love you, Mommy," they each say in their own way. Then they gather around Daddy to read some interactive Bible stories. They do some motions. They repeat the words. They learn about the God that is a million times bigger than they are and can make all things good. After stories, Daddy prays with each child. They thank God for everything in their life and end with an Amen. Mommy and Daddy tuck them in and give each child hugs and kisses. The door closes.

While this simple routine may happen with a number of families across the globe, it is one that I never experienced in my childhood. I had to leave the room with tears in my eyes at the life that I could have once had. How could my life have been different? How could my family have been today? The picture of a true faith-based family working towards a Christ-centered home makes my heart sore. While tears of sadness at a childhood that was lost fill my eyes, they are followed by tears of joy and hope at the excitement of passing on such values and routines onto my future generations.