And So It Begins...

The first SOAR retreat. The retreat that I was dreading and was completely fearful of. I had a feeling that I would be sharing my story for the first time in front of a group, and I was right.

It began in a small room. We sat in our first "community circle" and stared awkwardly at an unlit candle. Terry begins the time with his singing bowl and we are all of a sudden "present." Nine interns, along with a few pastoral figures (Janette included), sit in silence as the retreat takes its official start.

"We have 12 weeks here. Take it one day at a time," Terry begins.

We are asked to share 3 words on how we are feeling before we share our stories.

Nervous. Afraid. Expecting.

We are then given a large amount of time to design on a poster, our present story. My present is a large question mark. It's completely unknown. I don't even know what I'm doing in an internship that seems built for ministry futures. I'm not going to be a pastor or worship leader, as I see around me. I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm in an internship, because I don't know what else to do. My future in schooling is unknown. My future in a career is undecided. My future small group a mystery. There are expectations for my life from my family. Be great. Be perfect. Stand out.

My story is still being written, but is a marked with one symbol. A question mark.

Three words after sharing my present story:

Hopeful. Anxious. Optimistic.


There are three days left of this SOAR retreat and already I am feeling pushed and challenged. I don't think about my present. I had been too stuck on my past. I'll break soon. But for now, I keep it all in.


We head back to our cabins with the rotten egg smell. I kill a spider on my bed. Karli makes a joke that cannot be typed, but makes myself, herself, and Jess laugh all summer. I smile thinking about it now. Ahh... off to bed as the first day of the retreat and second day of the internship come to a close.