Trust

One year ago, in the midst of our Communication Workshop, I wrote this:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart.
Lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him.
And He will make your paths straight."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

I have an issue with trust. I don't need a personality test to tell me that. Because of broken friendships and relationships from the past, it's very hard to open up to anyone, even God. He knows everything I've ever done or will ever do. He knows all of the thoughts that have ever or will ever go through my head. Yet, I still have trouble opening up to Him. My fear of getting hurt has gotten in the way of a true and authentic relationship with Christ.

We're told to trust Him with all our hearts. But what if I don't have all of my heart left to give Him? I've given large portions of my heart over to relationships in the past, so I don't feel like I've got much left to give Him. What then?

In all my ways acknowledge him? Really? that's a lot of times in the day. When I wake up, give Him praise. when I shower, praise Him how fortunate I am to have one. When I brush my teeth or do my hair or get dressed, give glory to God in the highest for allowing me to live such a life! Praise God for food on my table, for having legs to walk, hands to hold open doors, eyes to see where I'm going, freedom to be praising Him in all my ways!

I cannot lean on my own understanding. God is a mystery. I get to know Him better when I read His Word, but I often struggle with trying to understand who He is. Nobody knows, at least nobody understands, who God is and why He's that way. Like a rubix cube, God is nearly impossible to put together. Nearly impossible to figure out. Just like shattered glass, we'll never understand how He's put together. The Word helps us, but doesn't free us from our curiosity of the One who Saves, Lives, and Loves.

My Deepest Prayer

Going into the summer, I was most looking forward to hearing God's voice and truly feeling His Holy Spirit move within my heart. It's been nearly two weeks and I am already becoming impatient. Taken directly from my journal:

"My constant prayer lately has been that God would speak to me, that I would hear His voice and follow His direction. There's only one problem I keep running into. I can't hear God. I continually try to sit in silence and listen, but I hear nothing. The same thing happened at the lake last week. I cried out to God but couldn't hear anything back. It makes me feel frustrated. And oftentimes, I end up getting into a mindset that I'm not really silencing everything around me. Or maybe I don't have a relationship with God. How can I tell others, junior highers especially, to listen if I can't even hear anything?"

This begins a rough journey for my summer. Finding the difference between hearing God's audible voice and listening to the whispers and the things around me. I came into SOAR with so much anticipation and longing to be completely on fire for God, like those around me that seemed to just 'get it,' but I was feeling defeated. I was feeling let down. I was feeling like I had let myself down. SOAR was a mistake. If I couldn't hear God in an internship like this, maybe I shouldn't be here.

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

The retreat has been over for two days now and the summer has officially begun.

While I excited for the future that God has planned for me, I know that Satan is hard at work to distract me. Only two days later, I get word from home that my Aunt Linda has passed away from a heart attack. My mom continues talking on the phone, but my eyes flood with tears. The tears disappear quickly and I feel nothing. As if my body is completely numb to her passing. Deep in my heart, I know I will never see her again. But why does that not hurt me? What's wrong with me? She's been out of my life for so long that it just doesn't connect that the time apart would now last forever.

I know I am called to be a light to my family. But it's things like this that seem to raise a wall on what change I could possibly do. I think of my Grandma who has just lost her daughter. I weep at the thought of losing her most of all. She is the glue, the prayer warrior, the most Godly woman I've ever known in my entire life.

The Effect speaks to me.

"The only reason there's darkness is because there is an absence of light."

Maybe the future of our family is where God will use me. I can only be obedient to Him to find out how my light will shine.

Back Home We Go

It's the final day of the first retreat and we are set to go home and officially begin the summer as a family that has grown more than any of us anticipated. But first, we start the day off with TAWG and a last community circle.

"My whole life is yours
I give it all
surrendered to your name.
And forever I will pray
Have your way
Have your way in me."

As we begin to look ahead, I get the feeling that I'm not as connected with God as I think. I pray for Him to speak clearly to me. I pray to hear His voice. I pray that I may be obedient to whatever He has for my life. I pray that He will guide and direct my paths and close all other doors that are not within His will. And I pray that I can truly believe all these things in my whole mind, body and soul.

We share our goals for the future.

• Increase my passion for Christ.
• Experience the peace of the Holy Spirit in my heart.
• Be open to trust people and God more in my life.
• Get to know His Word better.
• Hear the voice of the Living God.

The retreat comes to a close and as we gather things from our rooms, I remember the verse painted on the wall near my bed.

"As a deer thirsts for water, so my soul thirsts for you oh God."

I want to be where you are
I want to know, Lord, who you are
So when you call my name
I'll say to you "here I am."
I'm listening, Lord, speak to me.

I want to see how you see
Change my heart, Lord, make me Holy
If there's anything in my life
That doesn't honor you tonight
I'm listening, Lord, speak to me.
Speak to me.

The final song played in our community circle is the prayer and cry of my heart for the summer. I know that God has some great things planned for my time here and I want to grow evermore passionately for Him. I desire a burning fire in my heart for the Lord and know that He will be with me through all things. And so, I return to my summer home with my new family. Let the real summer begin...

A Wednesday I'll Always Remember

I can still see it. The sun slowly sneaks beyond the horizon. Shades of reds, oranges and yellows are painted across the sky. We run from the van to catch a glimpse of the most beautiful sunset I had seen since Summer Camp. We capture the moment as we snap our cameras. Our first official group photo.


We stand in awe at the beautiful creation God has given us. His Holy Spirit is stirring around us and it becomes clear that something is about to happen. I don't know what. I'm lost in the sunset.

Karli and Jess begin playing on their guitars. I sing, but it's not worship. I know, but I do not feel. Something is holding me back. I feel it coming. The tears that have soaked my sleeve each night. I can't sing. My body won't allow me to. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. So I sit there and weep.

It still rings in my ears.

"Take me as you find me. All my fears and failures. Fill my life again."


I can't sing it. I am not worthy to sing those words. I am not ready to sing those words. My heart is heavy and my breaths become short. What is happening to me? I've never felt like this before. Completely broken.


Terry guides us to the shoreline. Some people shared what God was doing in their hearts. I still cried. I didn't know what was going on. I felt hurt. I still had a past and was being reminded of it. I was not at peace. I hear bits and pieces of the others words.

Terry speaks. "Water...cleansing...past...sin....New creation..."

That's all I remember. I continued to cry, still unsure of what was going on in and around me. We gather close and people begin praying for me. I hear words but they only make me weep more. I'm confused. I try to relax. It's not working. I'm still not ready.

Just then, a simple pray from Terry, "God has a better picture for me to see."

In that moment, a strange weight is lifted. I can breath. My tears are fewer. And I am finally present.


Another emotional day. Another God moment. He is greatly to be praised and Mighty to Save. (Random note: I could not sing this song until the final day of SOAR and it has still been difficult to sing ever since.)

God Sees Value in Me and I am Valuable

After sharing my story the night before, my mind is filled with doubts and fears on what the day ahead will bring. Sharing our most embarrassing stories during breakfast helps, but only a little. I'm left sitting at a table by the lake trying to sort out the facts and lies in my head.

I pray.

"Lord, give me a peace of mind and of hear for whatever challenges I face today. Allow me to be open and honest and most of all, without fear. I pray against Satan's lies and tauntings of past event and things I've done. Lord, be with me today. Surround me with your Holy Spirit. Fill me with Your love and grace. In Your Son's name, Amen"

My 30-day TAWG journey leads me to reading Psalm 32.

"Oh, what JOY for those
whose disobedience is FORGIVEN,
whose sin is put OUT OF SIGHT!
Yes, what JOY for those
whose record the Lord has CLEARED OF GUILT,
whose lives are lived in complete HONESTY!

When I refused to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of DISCIPLINE was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally, I CONFESSED all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'
And you FORGAVE ME! All my guilt is GONE..."

God is FORGIVING.

It got even better when I came across 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 soon after.

"Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. FOR WHEN I AM WEAK, THEN I AM STRONG."

God sees VALUE in me and I am VALUABLE.

God knows exactly what He is doing. I'm usually so stuck in my ways or doing things on my own, that I rarely trust His timing or His plan at all. It's amazing that even in the midst of such a major step in my life, He was in the center of it all and had greater things planned for me. Telling my story may not have been easy, but trusting in God gave my strength and hope for the future.


Little did I know how much I was holding back...

May 18, 2010 Part 2

We gather in a circle. Eight fellow interns. Five leaders. All staring at the, now lit, candle that lies before us. The singing bowl begins. And the time has come for us to reflect on 'Where we're from.' Time is given for us to think about and reflect upon our past. The people, places, senses, saying, and memories that have shaped us. I've dreaded this since before the internship began. What do I share? What do I keep to myself? How much do I really trust these people that I just met two days ago? How much will others say? What will they think about what I share? What will Terry say? Or Derry? Or the other pastors who have working with me for the past year? They don't know. Maybe I should keep it that way. My heart beats faster and I know that I'll be taking the biggest leap of faith if I'm able to share. I know that my biggest fear of the summer will be tested. I don't know its result, but I know I must be honest in sharing "Where I'm From."

Community Circle Rules:

• Choose for yourself when/how to verbalize
• Invitation/not invasion
• Embrace difference
• Listen with an open mind
• Speak only for yourself
• Make space for silence
• No fixing
• Be open to learning
• Look with soft eyes
• Observe confidentiality

While it was a big step to share with 13 other people the childhood I lived, the beliefs we had, the mistakes I've made, and the victory that was won, I feel that it's much too difficult to retype my poem of my past. Those who have heard it, remember it, feel it, weep and celebrate from it.

It's done. I have overcome my fear. Tears stream down my cheek. I feel a sense of relief. But that feeling is quickly overcome with doubts and fears on what I have just done. In the midst of a quiet room, the enemy whispers. I won't believe his lies. My story is told. And I am reassured later that not only am I not a mistake, but it is not a mistake that I am here. Nobody is judging me and everybody is listening with an open heart and is expectant for the journey that lies ahead.